takes the number one spot.

As THE WORST show on TV and Nash’s most hated thing in the world - EVER!

I first came across (not on) this “show” about a month ago. The Goose and I had just arrived home, after a manic night at Tiger Tiger, and decided to watch some late night porn on eTV, you know, to get us in the mood, whilst we drank out coffee – naked. That’s when we were hit with Brain Box.

It’s hard to explain fully, here is the description off their site:

“The new Brain Box and Glamour Night are live, interactive programmes that give you the chance to answer questions be put on hold for three days and win cash prizes spend copious amounts of money from the comfort of your favourite armchair whilst huddled in the foetal position due to grief and frustration induced pain. The programmes are presenter led and consist of a series of quizzes and game shows fucking impossible riddles that require you to be tripping on acid and psychic where viewers contact the studio to compete for cash prizes increased cell phone debt.”

Now I’m not sure if you know this, but I know everything. Well, actually, that’s a bit of a lie. Between Mikey P and I, we know everything. He obviously wasn’t there (watching Brain Box) with me, stroking my inner thigh and nibbling on my ear, that was the Goose, and between us we don’t know everything. That was not going to deter me from phoning in.

The puzzle seemed simple enough, something about seven cats going to the market, a few pictures of cats, and some numbers. The question – “how many cats are there?” I tried EVERY fucking combo of the above three elements and got nowhere close, not only that, but every person that got through, which is impossible, was giving totally different answers to the ones I was coming up with. Was I missing something?

Needless to say I didn’t even get through to the whore at the end of the line. God, she is something else, a cross between Noleen and the Brand Power chick. She is that bad. Anyway, it’s R7,50 a minute, or something like that, and the fuckers keep you on hold for about 70 seconds (a minute and 10 seconds), then drop you like some R10 hooker.

In my drunk, and therefore lizard brained state, I took this personally and made it a point to get through. I sat for ages trying to get through. Clearly something went wrong because I awoke a few hours later, naked, cell phone in hand and on the floor. The Goose had abandoned me. Ashamed, embarrassed and unsatisfied, I decided to never speak of the incident, until now.

Last night I got home from poker around 12, as I normally do on Poker Night Monday, grabbed a little snack and settled down to watch a bit of Steven Segal. I knew he would be on eTV. After 11pm + Monday night + eTV = Steven Segal. FACT.

Alas, it was not to be. I was greeted by a very well groomed and make-up cover Indian fellow. Not the bow and arrow variety, the gold chain and ten-ring-per-hand type, and he was winking, pouting and razing his eyebrow at me.

eTV, what the fuck are you trying to do to me, and South Africa? Do you not know that late night TV is reserved for cheap, badly lit porn or B-grade action movies? It is definitely not the time to air, what is most certainly, a scam. Your target market is the day time viewer, get your shit straight.

I did a bit of digging and apparently Brain Box is the bastard child of Quiz Call, a show in the UK that was pulled after its producers admitted to manipulating the results. Though, in the defence of Brain Box, our little show has managed to gain quite a fan base. A fan base that wants to gouge out the eyes of the producers and skull fuck them.

Here are an example of two of their scams.

Count the kilos…

Answer: 207kg

Count the Rands…

Answer: R43

Ya, what the fuck.

Anyway, I have gone on far too long, and I feel like I could really get into this one though, possibly even get personal about the presenters mothers and the size of their vaginas. But I won’t. All I want is an explanation, or some proof that someone has won and Steven Segal, and porn.

If Steven Segal and your usual smut are not aired at their usual times, and my questions not answered, I shall burn down the Brain Box studio, and slap every Brain Box Presenter, before drowning them in the men’s room urinal.

You have my word.

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