My Thoughts On UCT Vs Stellies & Anton Taylor

I came across, not on, the now rapidly unfolding saga of UCT student Anton Taylor, his article on Stellenbosch, the resulting carnage and his video response on the one and only SLXS – written by the self confessed arsehole himself Sean Lloyd (check out his ‘Contact Us’ tab – classic).

For those of you out of the loop Anton Taylor wrote an article that was published in the ‘humour’ section of the online UCT Varsity Newspaper basically destroying Stellenbosch. The students at Stellies picked up on it and madness ensued. People lost their minds, lives were threatened, chicks cried. Anton has just released a video response, which I am sure will add more fuel to this inferno.

Seems I'm not the only one rolling in a g-string.

Full story and my thoughts (because they are the important ones) after the jump.

To fully understand what is going on here you have to read Anton’s article, which has apparently had over 10, 000 views already – it’s worth it.

Written by Anton Taylor   
Thursday, 08 April 2010 09:44
At the time of writing this I, like many other UCT students, am doing my best to come to terms with the loss of the Ikeys in last Monday’s Varsity Cup Final. I would love to say that it is just a game of rugby, and that I don’t care about what happened, but sadly, I cannot. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, the game meant a lot to me, as it did to thousands of us, and I really, really wanted us to win. We had fought so hard and a loss was always going to be heartbreaking, especially when we came so close to taking the cup.
The second, and probably bigger, reason that our loss irks me so much is because of the way in which people seem to assign to the result of the game some measurement as to which university is better (and I use the word ‘university’ very lightly, in fact rather ironically, when referencing that torpid hell-hole of ‘academic’ squalor).

I generally seek to avoid mentioning such repulsive places in my writing, but I can no longer do so. We need to have the Stellenbosch talk. I have to clear things up, and you need to know this: UCT has always been, is, and always will be, superior to Stellenbosch. In all endeavours, including rugby, UCT wins.
I do not need to describe Stellenbosch to any of you that have been there. If you were there last Monday you would have experienced the hate, the bigotry and the absolute bloody barbarism of it’s inmates. You were probably pelted with cans as you walked out of the stadium and, if you walked in alone (as I once did), you would probably have been pushed into the fence or thrown to the ground by hordes of drunk, red-faced shouting dogs. If you were with a girl, a big gang of them might have come up to you and sworn at her, hoping you would retaliate so that they might beat you to a pulp.

Every time I’m in Stellenbosch I find myself waiting for somebody to run up to me and go, “It’s a joke! It’s a joke! This isn’t real!” When I hear ‘Die Stem’ blaring through residence windows, and guys in cars are driving past and calling us ‘k-lovers’, I keep waiting for somebody to tap me on the shoulder and go, “We really had you going there! You didn’t actually think that this could really happen in South Africa in 2010, did you?” Yet nobody ever does.

So let’s look at some hard facts, some of which you already know:

1. In the international rankings, Stellenbosch ranks hundreds of positions below UCT. Where exactly it falls is hard to tell, because the rankings generally stop after 500.

2. Stellenbosch is easier to get accepted into. Anybody who has applied to UCT knows that, and  they also know how dubious and tired it becomes when some partially-retarded tool tells you, “I went to Stellies because it’s so much more fun than UCT.”

3. At Stellenbosch rugby is everything, however, at UCT our Sports Council is seemingly intent on crippling our rugby side. Our budget is no more than R350 000. Theirs is nearing R6 million. We are an academic institution playing against a sports academy. We are accountants and engineers playing against full-time rugby players with degrees in BA Finger-painting. So the fact that we so nearly beat them, and that we one day will beat them, is a disgrace and humiliation to the students of Stellenbosch. If you think about what we did with what we have, UCT wins.

When we lose it hurts, it chokes and for a while it sits on your shoulders, but that’s part of life. And part of being a UCT student is dealing with that pain, painting on some more blue, enduring their bigotry and beer cans, and continually supporting our boys, even during the wind-swept games without alcohol on the Green Mile. We do this because in our hearts we know that we are better. And if we can suffer, carry on and contest against rugby teams with far superior resources, can you imagine what will happen when we take that resolve and put it behind the best academic teachings on the continent? It’s actually unfair.

But perhaps we should let them take their victory in the final. Let them savour that fleeting happiness while it lasts. Let them keep their dumb, muck cheerleaders and their biased MC’s. Let them drink brandy and talk about how they beat the souties and the blacks. Because, deep down, beneath that bravado, beneath the red faces of the men, and the make-up caked veneers of the women (women, not ladies), as they choke on that stale, old air of the past, they know what the future holds. They know that soon enough they will be flung out of their all-white racist enclave into a country and world which has moved on without them and which has no place for them.

As the ill and old desperately cling on whilst feeling that cold dark death pulling them downwards, so too let these pitiful creatures frantically hold on to their dying way of life. For soon they will realise that their degrees don’t cut it overseas. Soon they will be serving the spoilt UCT first-years drinks. Soon they will be calling a black woman ‘boss’. And perhaps, in the midst of that great bleakness, it might make their pitiful existences a bit less depressing to think that they beat us in rugby a couple of times.

We are standing upon the mountain as the leaders and creators of the future South Africa, and world. We look down upon Stellenbosch as the drunken vagrants of tertiary education. We are harder to get in, we are stronger academically, we are more diverse, we are more peaceful, we are braver, we will be richer, and despite their desperate proclamations, our girls are much prettier.

UCT wins. UCT wins. UCT wins.

So, my thoughts? Well, besides the fact that I think it is very well written with moments of sheer brilliance ‘We are accountants and engineers playing against full-time rugby players with degrees in BA Finger-painting’ I can see why the students of Stellenbosch are pissed off. Though if they had written something like this I think UCT would have responded with the appropriate response, not in the fashion of BA Students mastering in Finger-paining and rock throwing.

It is clearly written in a humorous tone, though some comments clearly have a more aggressive agenda, ‘soon enough they will be flung out of their all-white racist enclave into a country and world which has moved on without them and which has no place for them.’ No matter the context that is a heavily loaded statement.

But you’re an intelligent person; I’m not going to break it all down for you. Instead, I give you Anton’s video response – it’s long (and could have been a lot shorter) but there are some great moments. Except for every single pair of glasses the crew wears – Joburg called, they want them back.

Check it out.

‘They’re a great technikon’ Whahaa!
‘Blowjobs on the regular’ – thank you East Bound and Down

I enjoyed that, especially the Wedding Crashers backwards hand stroke. But I have to say, if the Stellies kids wanted to beat him after the article they will most certainly want to kill him now. If you want the definition of a smarmy Cape Town UCT kid there it is. It won’t come as a surprise to you that he went to Bishops. That said, I find the dude incredibly funny. Nails the vibe completely, the subtle jokes, the bodyguards, etc. Shit, I want a pint at Forries with the guy.

On to Stellies. While I absolutely love partying in Stellenbosch, hell I even enjoy sleeping with its students, I do have to agree, it’s bloody rough. My sister studies there and I worry about her. Seriously, I do. As much as I love to party there I have never been out and not been in some sort of altercation with some utter moron who has difficulty speaking in anything other than vowels never mind stringing words together. I have seen guys push girls, pee on dance floors, and generally conduct themselves without any regard for basic social norms.

Yes, The Mont can get rough and we (Cape Town kids) all love a bit of Tin Roof. Sometimes we drink till we get sick, sometimes we fall over, some idiots fight, but if Stellenbosch wants to defend themselves why not pen, or rather type out a few of those thoughts, construct them as you would if writing a response, one that excludes death threats, and send it off. Prove to UCT that you are not only proficient in falling over and finger-painting.

Or make a video, you don’t even have to worry about spelling then.

I’ll be keeping an eye on this, I don’t think we’ve seen the end of it.

Nash…
Out!