Telkom! You must be so relieved to hear from me. I mean, you’ve apparently been looking for me for three months. I’m the guy in Maboneng – that area you don’t believe exists, the guy that keeps calling about a line. I moved from Parkhurst three months ago, and I’ve now run out of ways to try and explain to you where I live. Your call centre cannot find my location. Your technicians cannot find my location. I’ve given side streets, main streets, and land marks. My next step will have to be a signal fire. There’s a Telkom exchange down the road from me, perhaps if I set that alight?
Let me take it back a step or two. Remember when I moved to Joburg and we had that issue that we worked out after you eventually responded to the one complaint I posted on your Facebook wall instead of the countless requests over the phone? Well, it looks like we’re back in a very similar situation, that of me having to resort to your online channels.
Anyway, that one month of ADSL was dreamy. Then I moved again, as people do. To Maboneng, an entire precinct none of your operators or their computer systems can find, and one apparently unknown to your technicians. Uncharted territory for you it would seem. Which is weird because people seem to be using phones in Maboneng.
It all started with the usual call to your switchboard, designed, I’m sure, with the sole purpose of upping south Africa’s dismal suicide rate. I told the person on the other end of the line that I had moved and that I required my line to be moved.
The first problem arose when I was told my address didn’t exist. Obviously this confused me seeing as I had signed a lease and was paying money to live at that address. The operator then asked me to ask my neighbours what their phone numbers were. Telkom, are you fucking joking. You own all the phones in the land. This is what you do. When I need to move a line, move it. Don’t ask me to do your job for you.
Anyway, I logged three separate requests, each I was told was for an ‘unknown address’ but the technician would call when close. This also confused me, because when I give you the address of an intersection, or the police station opposite my building, it is impossible to not find that address. Are you really telling me that as the leading telecommunications provider in South Africa you cannot find the address for Jeppestown police station?
I eventually received a call from a technician in the area, but he had been sent to the wrong junction, so when he eventually did find me, he couldn’t help me because of your fucking antiquated systems. He was IN my apartment but could not do anything. He too asked if I knew my neighbours numbers. He told he would log my address so that the next technician would be able to find my apartment, which I was now beginning to suspect was situated in the worlds second Bermuda Triangle. The Maboneng Rectangle.
Of course I have never heard back from anyone, and no one has ever found my apartment again. I called you, quoted reference numbers, but obviously those did not help, and I found myself explaining myself from step one, again, and again.
Three months down the line and I’m still at step one with no idea how else to explain where I live. So here’s a map – that red thing is where I live ( I’m not sure you know how to use maps). Will that help, or should I burn your junction down?