Tell the missus I say cheers, I’m going to die on Mars

Tell the missus I say cheers, I’m going to die on Mars

I was reading about the first self-driving related death the other day and it got me thinking about my future. As tragic as the death is, the guy who died claimed a world first. Maybe even the first AI death. No one will ever be able to take that away from him. He’s a pioneer. So I started thinking about what I’d be remembered for when I die, which is when the panic set in. Other than that one time I made it through every green traffic light up Strand from the Golden Acre to High Level, I haven’t done anything truly exceptional.

I don’t feel too bad about that, I mean, it’s pretty hard to do something no one has ever done before and be recognised for it. Sure the Internet gives us a platform, but you try beat out a video of a baby monkey riding a pig backwards with your Kickstarter plea in aid of solving world hunger.

After the Tesla article I went on a bit of a Musk journey, eventually ending up on an interview with Elon. He talked of his plans for the first manned Mars missions in 2024 and his ideal version of a society.

I was shocked at first. I think about manned missions to mars daily, I’ve just never put a timeframe to them. The dream has seemed too far off, one for another generation. For the kids I’ll never have. But now it’s right here, the chance to do something to be remembered by. The only thing is I’m still a few doctorates or an impressive air force career short of ever cracking the invite for a mission.

Of course if I gave it everything from right now I could be well studied or experienced in something useful for the first mission to Mars, but lets be honest, studying has never been for me, and if these are to be my last few years on Earth I’m certainly not going to spend them in any form of an institution.

Which is cool. I don’t necessarily need to study. There’s a lot of work that comes with taking over a new planet, and sure as Pokemon Go will cause the death of millions, there will be tasks on Mars everyone hates doing. And I’m man enough to admit that I’ve shirked so much responsibility during my 31 years on Earth, I’d be more than happy to stand in a few lines to make up for it if I get to die on Mars.

I just need to be the absolute best at one thing the Mars team cannot do without. One skill the rest of my crew would fight deep space aliens to keep me alive for.

Like; going back to the shops for them when they forget the one thing their girlfriend told them not to forget, answering ‘No Caller ID’ calls, taking cracked iPhones in for repair, making a copy of a garage or gate remote, returning a gift to a shop more than 4km from your house, answering texts from people you are avoiding but that you know check when you were last available on Whatsapp, renewing drivers licenses, or appearing enthused during group activities. I’ll do it all, for the chance to die on Mars.

Of course all the above would be easier to deal with if I had a kickass crew. So I took the liberty of putting together a rough list for Elon slash NASA – whoever wants to take me. I’m obviously open to suggestions, but I feel the below is pretty tight. If Elon or NASA want to toss in a couple legit scientists I’ve no issue.

Captain – Denzel Washington
Engineer – Mila Kunis
Biologist – Marky Mark
Scientist – Will Smith
The Muscle – Liam Neeson (but from Taken 1)
Chef – Martin Lawrence (and him and Will will have a Bad Boys vibe the entire trip)
Geologist – Natascha McElhone
Explosives – Walter from Breaking Bad (but with a really impressive Russian accent)
Pilot – Margot Robbie
Second Pilot – Jennifer Lawrence
Stowaway – Leonardo DiCaprio
Alien we encounter shortly after arrival – Natalie Portman.

I’ve emailed both organisations and await reply. Once I know which one’ll have me I’ll let you know about taking over my iTunes collection.

Sweet Deals