Things I Should Know About at 30, But Don’t

Things I Should Know About at 30, But Don’t

If I think back to my early twenties, and my start as a suit in the world of advertising, I had simple goals. A product of my suburban upbringing, by the age of thirty all I wanted was to be a marketing manager with a house, a wife, a kid, and a dog – white picket fence, optional. I’ve achieved none of the aforementioned, although I did attempt to rescue a violent pit bull, and I have given a few long term relationships a bash. The problem with never having owned a house, tying the knot, or spawning young, is that by the time you reach my age, you’re way behind on this sort of life experience, and therefore increasingly lost in conversation about any of the below.


I have no idea what a mortgage is, other than that it’s the thing my dad complains about, or that people have to take a second one out to put their kids through school. If you pushed me for an answer I’d say a mortgage is money borrowed against other money you borrowed in order to buy a house, used for things like getting a car to handle the family, or paying school fees.


The only bond I know, it the kind formed around a well worn bar table and a couple of beers. In the grownup sense, I think a bond comes before a mortgage – definitely before a second mortgage, but usually after your first marriage. I think a bond allows you to borrow enough money to buy a house which you can offer the bank in return for a mortgage.

The consequence of not going home

On Monday I woke up on a couch, in the same clothes I’d been wearing since Saturday. The couch wasn’t mine, I hadn’t been home in two days. I didn’t have my car keys to get home, they were with my house keys at another house. Fortunately the only consequence of my crashing on a couch for two days were a few thirsty house plants, and a coffee cup attempting to grow some mould in the sink. We could get into my crippling fear that I’ll die alone, but I don’t think that’s reserved exclusively for people in my situation.

Anything to do with kids

I’m the eldest of five, which means I know a fair amount about kids. Unfortunately I stopped handling them around the same time the youngest started walking, roughly nineteen years ago, so my knowledge of children is a bit antiquated. Cloth nappies, gripe water, and handing them back to Mother when Ninja Turtles started is all I really know.

This leaves me a little lost, and I assume disinterested looking, when it comes to baby talk. I do know what questions to ask though, I’ve been on Facebook. The problem is, I don’t know what the answers mean, relative to anything else, which is probably why new mothers love me, I’m always impressed with their kids progress.

Mother always warns me about not having children, because once you have them everything changes and you get a bit more perspective, or so she says. I know quite a few new parents, and their red eyes and horror stories give me more than enough perspective on the whole thing.

I also need to brush up on stuff like investing, the exchange rates, pretty much anything to do with tax, I do own a car but I’m not quite sure how it all works, in fact, if it’s financial and is more involved than drawing enough to factor in a cab and an appropriate number of rounds at the bar, while still being able to pay rent at the end of the month, I’m quite lost.

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