Guys, I turned thirty this year, which means I’m almost a grown up and should probably decide what I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I thought I’d be able to run with this blog thing for a while, unfortunately it turns out that one of the side effects of getting older is an acute loss of arrogance and blind faith, attributes one simply cannot do without in a game of online fake everything. So I’ve been putting some thought into what I really want to do with the rest of my life, or rather, what I could do considering I have no qualifications to speak of.
Gardener / Groundsman
This is definitely the number one thing I want to be. Just look how happy that dude is to be riding his mower. When I was in high school I used to spend most classes staring out of the window, often watching Mr Schultz the school groundsman, driving his tractor around the sports field in repetitive circles. He always had a pipe hanging from his mouth, and his Jack Russell was constantly at his side – until he got run over one day. Mr Schultz always seemed so relaxed, like nothing except that recurring weed issue on the 1st team cricket pitch could phase him. He had his tractor, his pipe and his dog, and every day he helped nature be the best that it could be.
I didn’t gain my years of experience in the garden from watching Mr Shultz though. I spent most weekends as a child digging holes and moving pots for Mother. Sunday gardening was such a thing in my folks house that friends would hardly ever stay over on a Saturday, and if they did they made sure their folks collected them first thing on the Sunday. I didn’t know it then, but my time as a child laborer would forever change the way I felt about work. I now crave the blistered, muddied hands, aching muscles, and the thick white bread and bovril sandwiches of my formative years.
I’m specifically looking to the groundsman, or estate manager for any large private school in Joburg, though I’d prefer to pick up a couple of monthly retainer clients in the plusher northern suburbs. I’m thinking five houses – one visit a week, should do just fine. I also have experience with swimming pools and divorcees if that helps.
Barman (Tropical/Bush location only)
I’m not going to sugarcoat this one, I’m a phenomenal barman. Not in the throwing bottles, here’s a twist of burnt orange to top that off way. In good in an old school, where it counts sort of way. Like those people who move from the agency to the client side and then know all the tricks. I have years of experience, I know what it’s like on either side of the counter, I know what I’m looking for in a barmen, and then I be that barman.
Obviously the needs of a patron sitting with his feet in the sand at a bar made out of palm tree fronds are minimal, and I’m all about meeting as few needs as possible, so employment near or on the beach is a must. Think beach/surf/reggae bars in Mozambique, or Thailand. I also have experience as a groundsman, with pools (salt or chlorine), divorcees, and other bar/restaurant staff.
When I wasn’t digging holes or putting up fences in the garden I was in the house fixing my dads DIY mistakes, or under the employ of Mother who at that time was running an out-of-home gifting company that required a lot of production line work, and just generally constantly making DIY changes to the fixer-upper house we lived in.
I’m more handy in the sense that I can use the most basic set of tools to accomplish almost any task without loosing a finger, or completely fucking the project up, rather than handy in the traditional everything is straight and perfect kind of way. But I’m good company, and if you need your garden done, pool filter cleaned, or a good mid afternoon gin and tonic after I’ve hung your mirror, I can handle those too.
Let’s talk business, because obviously I’m your guy for either slash all of the above.
Regarding the bar work. Ideally I only want job offers from those of you based on or near the beach in Mozambique, but I am willing to consider other beach alternatives, such as anywhere with warm water, sand, and a reasonable flow of foreign tourists. May consider jobs in the bush. Must be able to drink on the job.
If you’re looking for a gardener/pool boy/handyman, please only contact me if you live in the north of Joburg, or have a really nice property in Irene.
I do work on a referral system, so if you sign up one of your friends to my gardner/pool boy/barman/handyman service, you’ll receive a 20% discount on your next months services.