Look, Internet, we’ve been, I feel, more than accepting of your inability to serve up a new celebrity sex tape. It’s been years now since we’ve seen anything good. Who was the last? Kim? Then before her was Paris Hilton, who managed to top the original viral home movie by Pam and Tommy with some impressive hand work and, of course, the body of an 19-year-old. Since then we’ve been polite, maybe too polite, like sometimes people are to their waiter even though is utterly useless and ruining the evening. Well, I can’t keep quiet any longer. The Smiths at table 9 haven’t said a word to each other in months, the teenagers at the far table are masturbating over crude serviette drawings of breasts, people are hungry Internet. They need a celeb sex tape.
Fortunately for you, Internet, I’ve identified a few people to watch out for. This list will save you time. Time that should be spent hiring the worlds best hackers to hack into the phones of the people below in the hopes of uncovering what we’re all looking for. A badly shot, badly lit video of a celebrity the world has collectively fantasised over. Here’s who to look out for.
Taylor Swift is too obvious actually. She’s so ready to ‘release’ a home movie it’s a joke. Just look at her. Beautiful country girl with a mouth that butter wouldn’t melt in, she’s still trying to get over Kanye’s interruption during her award ceremony (which is one of the reasonsons she secretly doesn’t want to win, ever again). She’s a serial dater (she’s swept through half of Hollywood in two years), who apparently doesn’t bang because she’s worried about her image. Prudish behavior (on the outside) will always eventually lead to one thing, kinky sex, which usually contains a…..that’s right, a camera. That coupled with her newly developed urges to self sabotage equals a sex tape like no other we’ve seen before. It’ll probably even be well lit and have a soundtrack that’ll make girls cry.
Miley, how the world seems to hate her, for reasons I cannot comprehend. She’s hot, she’s probably talented (I have no idea if I’ve ever heard something of hers), and she’s the daughter of a singer so famous he basically introduced line dancing to the world. Billy also had a controlling hand in every single project Miley did. Sure, to us it looks like he helped, but to Miley he probably seems oppressive and controlling. She also had the pressures of behaving well in front of the eyes of the world from a very young age, where any slip up could have meant her career. So that’s an overbearing parent, bitter at your climb to fame which was monumentally more impressive than his, as well as the new found freedom that comes with adulthood. A good sex tape combo already. Now add in this little punk-flirting-with-lesbianism phase, and her obsession with yoga (you know what exercise obsessed chicks are like ), and her brief foray into naughty photo sending, and you have a cocktail so potent we’re probably looking at some sort of group sex sex tape. Maybe just a threesome, but it’s happening. Mark my words.
Who not to waste your time on.
Obviously when it comes to this sort of thing there’s always the wish list, the celebs you really want to see in a sex tape. We can all say the first name together….KATE UPTON! No way! I knew you were going to say her too! And that’s exactly the point, it’s not going to happen because we all want it too much. Why do you think there is so much hype around her? Because she NEVER takes her top off. Kate Upton taking her kit off would be like you walking downstairs on Christmas only to find Father Christmas banging your dad. I’m not saying she’s not hot, obviously, I’m just saying, she knows what her meal ticket is, and as long as it’s just out of reach from the rest of us she’ll be eating well.
Lindsay Lohan. Look, it may happen, god knows she needs some positive publicity at the moment, and compared to what she’s going through, a sex tape would be positive. But we’re dealing with Lindsay here, it’s not going to be a good one. It’ll be sloppy and drunk and most likely, by the time she really hits rock bottom, with some pimple covered 18-year-old store clerk in a supply cupboard.
So that’s who to watch out for, Internet, because the rest of us have been watching out for too long, it’s your turn now. Valentines day is coming up, statistically the time of year when the most home movies are shot, according to an independent study conducted on a sample audience of people I know. Make it happen, Internet. No excuses.