a guide to getting laid by Nash.

It’s Friday, which means the end of the working week for most people in the world. Obviously slaves and child labourers never stop working, thank God – can you imagine a life without designer labels, Nike running shoes and breakfast in bed every morning? I certainly can’t.

Anyway, for the rest of us, the end of the working week signifies the start of the hunting season, or weekend. A typical hunting season lasts from Friday night to Sunday evening, though it’s not uncommon for some hunters to extend their licence to cover the entire week. This does cost more, but with more days out there, in the field, ones hit rate is vastly improved.

I know not all of you can hunt throughout the week, so I have come up with a little guide to help you hunt more efficiently and affectively. Nash’s Ten Tips To Get Your Tip Wet, Even If It’s Just For A Second, Just To See How It Feels, or NTTTGYTWEIIJFAS – which ever you feel more comfortable with. I know the name is a bit long, but it’s marketable that way.

By the way, this all started after Shaun Oaks and I swapped a few tried and tested techniques for getting the girls. I thought it selfish to keep such pertinent information from you.

So her we go then. You may want to write these down.

#1
Always walk a few steps ahead of your girl.
This allows you to stop danger in its tracks, before it gets to her. Never hold hands, danger sees this as a sign of weakness. She will see you as a strong, fearless, man. A man perfect to breed with. Make sure you use protection, she wants’ your seed.

#2
Always be totally honest when she asks you how she looks.
There is no point in setting your girls up for embarrassment, and possibly an early death. It’s a proven fact that overweight people die, on average, 40-50 years earlier than healthy people. By telling her she looks fat will force her into the gym and possibly the toilet to get sick, ultimately extending her life span.
She will realise this and take it as a sign that you are thinking about spending the rest of your life with her.
Prepare for action!

#3 – Shaun’s advice.
After a night of excessive drinking and macho behaviour it is advisable, upon returning home, smelling like booze and other women, to demand sex, or at least a blowjob.
This shows off your strong sex drive, a sure sign of an Alpha male. She will take you right there, so if you broke the seal at the bar, make sure you drain one out before you get to the bed side.

#4
Always remind her, and anyone within earshot, what school you went to, especially if it was a boy’s school.
Feel free to recite your favourite war cry as loud as you can. When in the company of an old school mate be sure to high-five several times, whilst saying nasty things about other schools and how crap they are. Never forget to down large amounts of alcohol.
Obviously all this shows your girl that you grew up in a fine institution, an institution that produces winners.
Sex is sure to follow.

#5
Always eye out other attractive girls, and when possible flirt outrageously with them.
This shows your ability to multitask, something girls do not believe guys can do. Single handedly managing several conversations with attractive females, whilst ordering shots, reciting your school song and high-fiving every second guy that walks past will make you irresistible to your girl. If you can do that you could easily look after a child and kill a snake in the garden at the same time.
Get ready for sex my man!

#6
Always compare her skills in the bed with your past conquests.
The key here is to always make the other girls sound better e.g. “Michelle never did it like that. She always used both hands, her left foot, and a small to medium sized cucumber. She was awesome. But you are ok too.”
This may sound harsh, but you are actually encouraging your girl to perform at her best. She will realise that you just want her to be better so that you can stay with her longer. She will feel secure in your relationship.
Let the sex begin.

#7
Lie often.
This will keep your girl on her toes and therefore mentally fit, therefore preventing dementia and eventually and early death. Being mentally fit she will realise what you are doing and appreciate it. Maybe enough to give you a blowjob.

#8

That’s it. Were done here. I hope that helped. I know I promised you 10 tips but I just don’t feel like writing anymore.

Cool.

Ha! That was actually #8 – Always under deliver.
By doing this you never create expectation, so when you do, do something exceptional for her, like beat up a smaller guy than you, kick a street kid or win a drinking competition in her name, you will seem like a majestic, bronzed, oiled up Greek hero, even if you do vomit in her car.
Get ready for sex, though you better stay on the bottom if you are still feeling a sick.

#9
Never wear deodorant, especially when going to a club.
Obviously all the high-fiving, fighting and excessive drinking you will be doing, will work up quite a sweat. Now’s the time to dance with that chick you have been eyeing out the whole night. Make sure you rub up and down on her frantically as soon as you get into humping range. A mans sweat is filled with pheromones that drive woman crazy, like crazy horny! I think you know what comes next?
Yes. A blowjob in the bathroom!

And finally #10.
Now this is an important one. All the others will lead you effortlessly to sex, this one will make sure you get more.
Always cum first and if possible in the direction of her face.
This gives her the impression that she is really good in bed, and we all know that we like to do things that we are good at. Like high fiving, war cries, drinking and fighting. You may think this conflicts with Tip #6 – Always compare her skills in bed to your ex conquests. You would be incorrect. Everyone can improve, there is no need to stop pushing and forcing her to do the best that she can do – to you.
The aiming at her face thing is really just for fun, though if you do hit you can always say “Chloe never complained, in fact she quite liked it”.

And there you have it. Ten fool proof ways to ensure that you get laid, repeatedly. Go out there and give one or two of these a go tonight. Don’t try too many at once, there is no need.

They are all golden!

---